Beatrix Flannery would be the first to tell you\u2014it\u2019s not easy being the dumbest person you know. But what she did do, and do well, was notice things. She noticed, for example, that the Red Line had just squealed to a halt at their subway stop, and she gave Hortensia a quick shake.<\/p>\n
\n\tLuckily it didn\u2019t take a sky-high IQ to notice that there was something very wrong with the bright green kiosk squatly occupying far too much of the sidewalk at the top of the subway exit stairs. That it clashed with the orange subway sign was not the problem. It was the words on the kiosk, which were familiar, yet jarringly out of place.<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cKoo-Bar?\u201d said Bea, reading the sign\u2019s loud pink letters.<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201c…get your free sample, courtesy of Bean-Tek industries,\u201d continued Hortensia.<\/p>\n
\n\tA cartoonish figure of a roly-poly bean with arms and legs, and a winking face, posed on the kiosk wall looking poised to take a greedy bite out of a granola bar.<\/p>\n
\n\tA chubby lady beamed cheerily from inside the green kiosk. \u201cThat\u2019s right my dears!\u201d she called out. \u201cFree for the asking!\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cWait Hort,\u201d said Bea, squinting at smaller print farther down on the sign. \u201cIt says \u2018with all the healthful benefits of the tropical Koohoo bean\u2019<\/em>…it\u2019s saying there\u2019s Koohoo in this stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cThat\u2019s right!\u201d replied the grinning lady in the kiosk. \u201cIt\u2019s a wondrous tropical bean! Completely new! And magically good for you!\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cThat\u2019s not possible,\u201d said Hortensia, accepting the wrapped bar the lady was now dangling tantalizingly in front of her. \u201cKoohoo has never been exported from the Waddo Islands. That would be against Waddongan law. Koohoo is very carefully protected.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cWell honey,\u201d said the chubby lady with a shrug. \u201cI ain\u2019t one of the Bean-Tek legal eagles! My job is just to give \u2018em out! How about you sweetie?\u201d she continued, stretching over the countertop to hand a bar to Bea.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cThanks,\u201d said Bea.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cOh, wait!\u201d called the Bean-Tek lady as Bea and Hortensia turned toward the crosswalk. \u201cDon\u2019t forget this!\u201d<\/p>\n \nShe stretched as far as she could to hand Bea a colorful card with the Bean-Tek cartoon bean smiling peppily on the front, under a phone number. \u201cWe\u2019re recruiting Bean-Tek Kids!\u201d she called as they walked away. \u201cIt\u2019s a special kind of club! Free Koo-bars for all participants!\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tThe traffic light changed to \u201cwalk.\u201d Bea grabbed her suitcase and hustled Hortensia across the street by an elbow as Hort scrutinized her Koo-bar\u2019s wrapper so intently that she nearly collided with several people and a left-turning taxicab.<\/p>\n \n\tOnce across, Bea tucked the card in her pocket and ripped the wrapper off her free Koo-bar.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cWait!\u201d cried Hortensia. She stopped suddenly to allow a thought to surface. \u201cDon\u2019t eat that! I need it for a lab analysis.\u201d Then she squinted at her own bar in the fading evening light. \u201cIf there really is koohoo in these things we\u2019re going to have to notify the Waddongan trade bureau.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cAnalyze yours,\u201d replied Bea. \u201cI\u2019m gonna eat mine.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cWe don\u2019t even know if Koohoo is safe for daily use,\u201d protested Hortensia, quickening her stride to catch up with Bea.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cI\u2019m not using it daily,\u201d said Bea. \u201cJust right now.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tShe chomped half the bar in one determined bite. \u201cIss no\u2019bad,\u201d she said, \u201cbut no\u2019 as goo\u2019 as th\u2019drink.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tBut Bea nearly choked on her second bite when a city bus rumbled by with the Koo-bar bean grinning heartily from its back panel.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cHort…did you see that?\u201d she said, as she turned around to find Hortensia staring indignantly at the very same bean-man poster plastered to the side of a bus stop shelter.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cThat\u2019s ridiculous!\u201d cried Hortensia. \u201cThey must be making a fraudulent claim. Koohoo\u2019s never been exported.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cYou\u2019re probably right, Hort,\u201d said Bea to her sister. They turned onto Crotchett Street where copper streetlights were beginning to glow in the waning sunlight. \u201cThey probably don\u2019t have the real stuff. They\u2019re really using canned lima beans and calling it koohoo. And you just passed our house.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tHortensia halted ten steps past 107 Crotchett Street, and turned around. Their brownstone rowhouse, two doors down from Tylo\u2019s Corner Tea Shop, sat directly across the street from the Mervin Frostly Science Building–a blocky white behemoth which was the newest addition to New Stirling University\u2019s downtown campus, and the home of Hortensia\u2019s research.<\/p>\n \n\tBill the fruit cart man was leading Bob the fruit cart pony down Crotchett Street. Only a handful of apples and a few bags of walnuts remained of Bill\u2019s stock as he and Bob the pony headed back to the stable for the night.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cGreat to see you girls home!\u201d called Bill over the clip-clop of Bob\u2019s hooves. \u201cAnd just in time for Macintosh apple season. Bob\u2019s favorite!\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tBea and Hortensia waved at Bill and Bob, then lugged their suitcases up eleven front steps and into the marble-floored foyer of what had been, a hundred years ago, the very grand home of a very grand New Stirling family. Now, with the marble chipped, the paint scuffed, and the wallpaper yellowed, it served as the home of Bea, Hortensia, their parents, and the five youngest students currently enrolled at New Stirling University.<\/p>\n \n\tBea and Hortensia dropped their bags with an echoing thud, and a houseful of people came scurrying. Mrs. Professor Flannery hugged hard. Mr. Professor Flannery hugged harder. Petra the housekeeper broke through the hugging and insisted\u2014with shoves and emphatic gestures\u2014that everyone eat some stew for dinner. So, not very much later, Bea found herself full of stew and comfortably nestled into one of the several overstuffed and mismatched sofas that cluttered the living room, surrounded by Odin, Nola, Kitty, Gordy, Michael-Dan, and Sherlock the cat.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cElles t\u2019a fait plaisir, les \u00eeles?\u201d said eleven year old Michael-Dan, with an accent as impeccably groomed as his hair.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cPlease Michael-Dan! No French!\u201d rebutted Bea. \u201cNot now. I\u2019ll do French tomorrow.\u201d <\/p>\n \n\tKitty, fourteen, chuckled and lowered her chemistry book, displaying her black lipstick and eyeliner. Gordy, thirteen, adjusted the paper wings on a complicated toothpick structure, then sent it careening across the living room in loop-de-loops, before it was snatched in mid-air by Nola, a slight twelve year old who was snuggled into the sofa next to Bea.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cDon\u2019t get stressed Bea,\u201d urged Nola. \u201cYou\u2019ll inhibit your parasympathetic functions.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cAnd that,\u201d said Odin, also twelve, \u201ccan get very uncomfortable.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\tOdin wore rectangular tortoise-shell glasses, and had an impressive chin that he had yet to grow into. \u201cPerhaps now wouldn\u2019t be the best time to talk about algebraic order of operations,\u201d he added.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cOdin,\u201d said Bea firmly, \u201cno. It would not.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cSo maybe we\u2019ll take it for a spin tomorrow instead,\u201d Odin persisted.<\/p>\n \n\tBea growled in response and buried her nose in a spy novel, but she had to admit\u2014if there was one undeniable advantage to having friends who were one-hundred times smarter than she was\u2014it was that with their help she could home-school herself instead of going to Rosemary Rubberstein\u2019s School for Girls, an alternative which she found entirely unappealing.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cHey what\u2019s that?\u201d said Gordy to Kitty, who had just pulled a very familiar looking object out of the black rubber bookbag on the floor next to her.<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cIt\u2019s called a Koo-Bar,\u201d replied Kitty, ripping through the wrapper with her sharp, black-polished fingernails. \u201cThey\u2019re giving them out for free at Crotchett and 3rd Street.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cYou mean there\u2019s one of those stupid green kiosks?\u201d said Bea, sitting up suddenly. \u201cOn our street?\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cYep,\u201d replied Nola. \u201cJust around the corner, near Bill and his fruit cart. They put it up last week. Seems like even Bob the pony likes those Koo-bars things. And there\u2019s another kiosk across campus by the rec center.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cWell don\u2019t eat it,\u201d said Bea, leaning across the arm of her sofa to snatch it out of Kitty\u2019s hand. \u201cWe don\u2019t even know if it\u2019s safe.\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cOf course it\u2019s safe,\u201d countered Gordy, grabbing it back. \u201cThey\u2019re giving them out, aren\u2019t they? Let me try it!\u201d He broke off half and handed the remainder to Kitty. \u201cAnd it\u2019s not merely safe,\u201d he mumbled, \u201c…it\u2019s delicious. Thanks Mervin Frostly!\u201d<\/p>\n \n\t\u201cNot that Mervin Frostly had anything to do with it,\u201d Bea replied testily.<\/p>\n \n\tWell,<\/em> she thought, maybe Hort will get her research done fast, and besides…even if they are using real koohoo…Waddongans drink it all the time, don\u2019t they? And they sure seem like a healthy bunch.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Beatrix Flannery would be the first to tell you\u2014it\u2019s not easy being the dumbest person you know. But what she did do, and do well, was notice things. She noticed, for example, that the Red Line had just squealed to a halt at their subway stop, and she gave Hortensia a quick shake. Luckily it […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[11],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.emilygillespieclement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/330"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.emilygillespieclement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.emilygillespieclement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.emilygillespieclement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.emilygillespieclement.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=330"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.emilygillespieclement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/330\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":390,"href":"http:\/\/www.emilygillespieclement.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/330\/revisions\/390"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.emilygillespieclement.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=330"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.emilygillespieclement.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=330"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.emilygillespieclement.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=330"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}